This is not a depression post. It's just a guy thinking in the darkness.
Next week, I start a new semester in pursuit of a Master's degree. When I was thinking about going back to school last year, I thought, "Maybe I should something job-related that will help me professionally." Or even, "I should study something that will change my career path completely. Not something useless like English Literature. Bah! I won't make that mistake again." Well, I'm now in my second semester of studying American History.
In a conversation with a co-worker of mine, I discovered that I have never really known what I wanted in a career. Oh, sure, when I was a kid, I wanted to be a farmer-pilot-fireman, the very best of three completely different worlds and sets of dedication. In my current job, at best, I'm a glorified office assistant; at worst, just a nobody that very few would care if I disappeared. What do I do with my life? It's an uneasy feeling, but more annoying than anything else. There is no great calling for me. I have no sense of vocation in any field. So, in my mind, another degree in the field of humanities is the only thing that makes a bit of sense. I studied Literature, because I love to read. I will continue studying History, because I love to learn what not to do.
I don't mean that I read first-hand historical accounts while shouting "Suck it!" when someone "wins" or does something my modern-day superior mind finds wrong. I do search history to discover the good people and, while recognizing the evil ones and their activities, I try to emulate them in some small fashion. Those that are "good", are ones who are honest, educated, and courageous. I usually feel that I have none of those qualities and am better suited for sitting around, letting my life pass me by, and listening to others complain about the lack of happiness.
So, to end my blathering, I'm still not sure what I want or need. I don't know if I'm staying in my same job or company. I could use some prayers.
